It's The Girls Are Pretty"Gonna Go Try To Stop A Wedding" Weekend!
Hey there. So a lover that Prettygirl pushed away is marrying someone else this weekend. The wedding's upstate and Prettygirl's gotta get up there and make a scene to try and put the kibosh on the whole thing. It's not a "Now that I know I can't have you I realize you're the one I want" kind of deal. It's more like, "Even though I don't want you, I demand that you never love again." Time to pack!
The wedding's Saturday, but Prettygirl's gonna try to go tubing on Sunday, so the whole weekend's gonna go up right now. As per convention, scroll down to read today's today. Don't read tomorrow's until tomorrow. You wouldn't want to find out in advance that tomorrow you're going to get lost in a man-made cave, now would you?
Sunday, August 7th, 2005
Cotton Candy Machine Day!
Using all the money you've saved from not drinking, you bought a cotton candy machine for your wife.
"Can you believe that last year I wasn't able to buy this for you because I was spending so much money on alcohol," you'll say to her.
She'll nod. "You really did waste a lot of money on alcohol," she'll say.
Flop onto the couch and tell her that no matter how hard you try to make amends, she won't cut you any slack. "You make me wonder why I stopped at all!" say.
"I'm sorry," she'll say. "I really love the cotton candy machine. I'm so proud of you."
Say, "Too late!" and start drinking again. Beginning tonight, disappear for four days, leaving her with nothing to warm up to at night but a contraption that spits out edible fur. See how she likes that!
Happy Cotton Candy Machine Day!
Saturday, August 6th, 2005
Get Lost In A Man-Made Cave Day!
As you try to make your way back outside, use a rock to scratch sketches of yourself into the cave wall at various points. Underneath the sketches, write "If you see this man, in this cave, no matter how cool he tries to seem, he's lost. Help him." Eventually you'll stumble into the man-made cave's janitor's closet, and you'll find evidence that the janitor has been The Man-Made Cave Strangler all along. He'll chase you down, and he knows this man-made cave better than you, but you have to get that evidence to the fuzz.
Happy Get Lost In A Man-Made Cave Day!
Friday, August 5th, 2005
Warts And All Day!
When your girlfriend tries to break up with you tonight, say, "It's because of my warts isn't it?"
Your girlfriend will say it's not just your warts, it's also that you're poor.
Using a really whiny voice, say, "But the only reason I'm poor is because I have to spend all my money on wart removal!"
Just then, one of the warts that you had dry-frozen at the dermatologist's office will fall off of your cheek and into your soup.
Say, "See, they're going away!" Then, using a high-pitched scream, ask her not to leave you like this just when things are starting to turn around for you. She'll run.
Happy Warts And All Day!