Wednesday, August 10, 2005

My Cheating Husband's Volvo Day

My Cheating Husband's Volvo Day!

Your wife found out about you and your secretary a month ago, and she reacted the way any betrayed woman of virtue would react. She entered your Volvo V50 Sportswagon in a demolition derby. And she won.

And she's been winning. Every week since she stopped speaking to you she's been heading to the dirt bike track out by the airport and smashing up triumph after triumph. She's turned into a sensation amongst regulars. When she pulls into the ring with those four words spraypainted onto the hood, My Cheating Husband's Volvo, the crowd stirs itself into a frenzy. They revel in the joy of some foolish husband's car about to be destroyed by his woman scorned. But when she starts to win (after all it is a Volvo), there is no limit to how hard that crowd wants to cheer her on. The Derby commissioner says he's never seen a Derby star breakout so fast.

Tonight's the division championship. If she wins tonight, she takes your wagon out to Cleveland for a shot at a $50,000 cash prize and an endorsement for next year. If you wanna make amends with her, you can send her fanbase reeling by getting on a bus and taking yourself out to that track.

When you first see your car, you'll want to scream. She's been keeping it parked in a garage behind the track and you'd been forced to assume she drove it into a lake since she's refused to respond to your queries. But when you see what she can do, when you see what art she can make from her rage and her defensive driving skills, you'll fall in love with her like never before.

You don't want to let her know you're there ahead of time. Just buy your ticket and cheer her on with the rest of the civilians. Wait until she wins. When she's standing in the center of the track and is being handed her trophy, interrupt the ceremony by climbing down and walking halfway to her.

Your wife and the commissioner will both stop the ceremony to see what you're up to. The crowd will read in your wife's body language that it was your Volvo all this time. They'll immediately start booing you and pegging you in the head with beer and batteries. Just stand there about twenty feet from your wife with your arms held out from your sides, waiting. The tension will be thick enough to stop up a blown muffler. But when she finally drops her trophy and runs into your arms, the crowd will roil itself into such a fever pitch you'll think we finally figured out how to win that Iraq thing over there.

Stand by her side as she finishes the ceremony, and then go to your Volvo and climb into the driver's seat. Pull away slow, letting your wife hang out the passenger side window so she can wave goodbye to every last one of her fans. They'll all wish her the best, as they'll be worried her having made up with you will stamp out her rage and pull her out of the demolition game forever. You'll be wondering too. Guess you'll find out for sure in September when you're in the stands in Cleveland, screaming your head off while your wife busts the shit out of a big mess of chrome with her Cheating Husband's Volvo.

Happy My Cheating Husband's Volvo Day!