Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Spray The Garden Maze For Goblins Day!

Everyone knows that Spring hasn't officially arrived until you've thrown your first party at the Estate. But folks in your social scene get pretty antsy waiting for Spring to arrive if you put off the invites for too long. As the temperature climbs, opening day fast approaches. Which means you're going to have to spray the garden maze for Goblins soon.

It usually takes three good sprays of highly toxic poisons to get them all scurrying for the Glen. And the sprays have to be spaced apart, so even if you start spraying tomorrow (which you should) you can expect to still have a Goblin problem for another few weeks. And there can be no party until that maze is clear. You don't want couples drunkenly wandering through those hedges for a private grope, only to get impaled through the larynx with razor-sharp twigs, then torn limb from limb just after being robbed of their rings and cash. Do you?

Don't forget to bolt all of the ground level windows and doors of the house before you spray. They'll run for the house first, and if one Goblin gets inside it will be only twenty minutes before every wing of the structure is burnt to the ground. To be sure to ward them off, paste photographs of housecats in every window of the house. Goblins are terrified of housecats because Goblins are the only creatures on Earth besides housecats that can understand what is really being communicated in a meow.

Happy Spray The Garden Maze For Goblins Day!