Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Nearly Choke To Death Three Times Day

Nearly Choke To Death Three Times Day!

Best if it's in a Chinese restaurant. Usually, the only wall decoration in a Chinese restaurant is the Heimlich maneuver diagram.

You should order a dish with great hunks of meat, nothing shredded and no noodles. And you should be sure to really choke, especially on the first and second go-rounds. In fact, you should try to get the food stuck further and further down your throat with each choke. If it looks at all like you might not have been entirely in danger the first or second time, then your fellow patrons might not rush to your aid on the third round and you really could die.

That's what makes today fun.

So, of course, you're alone at you're table and you're just gorging on the pile of meat, shoveling in hunk after hunk of flesh along with shards of green pepper and a forest of bamboo shoots. When the food slides down your windpipe, let it rest there gently for a moment to make sure it's really in before you start to gag and retch. Remember, your fellow patrons have to really believe that they're saving you. The best way for that to happen is to choke so bad you come within seconds of death.

Once you start to make your horrible sounds, they'll come running. Two of them will probably nearly scuffle over who gets to give you the Heimlich. It will take four or five lifts from your sternum before the wad of food is released and lands on your table cloth.

Thank your hero very much. He'll laugh and say, "Don't eat so fast." Nod, then sit down and as soon as your blood resumes its flow, start gorging again.

The second time is tricky. You want to make sure the food's really down there, but you don't want to wait too long to start making your terrible noises. Because your hero won't come nearly as fast this time. When everyone turns to see you choking, the one who just saved you will look to the one who also got up and they'll both share a look as if to say, "The hell?"

No one will move for a few seconds, even though you're turning red and pointing at your neck. Once your color starts to move toward purple, the one who just tried to save you will get up unchallenged and he'll dislodge the food with three heaves. He'll be gloat inwardly that he got the food out before the previous hero.

Now as you catch your breath, an older woman at a neighboring table will shout at you, "You really should eat much more slowly!"

Nod at her, then start the shoveling again. Shovel fast and loud with lots of scrapes of your fork against your plate. No one else will be eating. The entire restaurant will be watching you. They won't take their eyes off of you for the entire three minutes of gluttony leading up to you suddenly freezing in your seat, bugging your eyes out a bit, and then releasing one terrible sound.

Everyone will let out a groan and some of them will throw their hands in the air in frustration. You'll make lots more terrible noises and you'll point at your neck and you really will turn purple. Your two heroes will shake their heads at each other in disgust. You'll start to panic.

You'll get up from your seat and you'll bounce your midsection on the back of the chair, but the food won't come out. You'll jump up and down on the wood until your vision starts to go gray and then you'll just stand there, waiting to fall down. Finally, the cook will grab you from behind in his big white arms and he'll send the food flying with one strong hoist of your body against his chest.

You'll have to sit on the floor for a few minutes afterwards, but no one will pay attention to you. When you get back up, your plate will have been taken away and there'll be a check waiting to be paid. Pay it with cash, tipping well, then walk to the door. Just before stepping out to the sidewalk, turn around to the dining room and shout, "You saved my life. I'll never forget that." Then go outside and walk home. It's a nice night.

Happy Nearly Choke To Death Three Times Day!