Friday, April 15, 2005

Babies On The Beach Day

Babies On The Beach Day!

They're bait for snipers. You and your wife will be walking along trying to enjoy a nice sunset alone together when your wife steps on something.

"A baby," she'll say. She'll stoop to pick it up.

"No!" you'll say. "Wait. I heard that this isn't always on the level."

"It's a baby laying unprotected in the sand," your wife will argue. "I can't just leave it there."

You'll say, "That's just what they want you to think. Except I can't really remember who they are."

You'll rack your brain for what's supposed to go wrong when you pick up a baby on the beach. It's either that you'll be prey for identity theft or you'll be stabbed in the face.

"I think if you pick up that baby, somehow, people in the Cayman Islands will learn your social security number."

Your wife will say, "You're being paranoid. I'm going to pick up this baby and raise it in a loving home."

Your wife lifts the baby to her chest and she is promptly shot in the throat.

"Fuck," you say. "Snipers. I knew I'd heard something about that."

As your wife takes her last breaths, it will all come back to you. An article you read in Rolling Stone about gang initiations involving potential gang members' girlfriends' babies being left in the sand and when a stranger picks up the baby the potential gang member has to shoot the stranger in order to be admitted into the gang.

You'll kneel by your wife's side and say goodbye. The baby is lifted up to the sky by hidden wires descending from a hidden crane and it is carried up to the boardwalk where a new gang member celebrates because he's finally got the kind of friends that a boy needs growing up these days. It's a glorious day indeed.

Happy Babies On The Beach Day!