Monday, February 24, 2003

You Are An Ugly Person Day!

Walk tall, beast! A call has been sounded to the hairlipped, the hunchbacked, the overly ruddy complexioned, and those people who look like they swallowed their own chins. Rise up, unroll that turtleneck from atop your nose, and let your offensive visage feel the sun's grin.

You are not unattractive. Your brother's wife is unattractive. You have the power to actually piss people off just by sitting down at a neighboring table in a restaurant.

No one wants to give you anything. Salesmen don't even want to sell you their wares. And because you aren't thrown in prison all the time just because you were spotted, everyone hates the Constitution of the United States.

But today you are recognized as important a minority as the beautiful, the wealthy, the people who have telekinesis. Today is the day to remind the world of your presence. When you talk to strangers, touch them on their biceps. When you pull over to help someone change a flat on the freeway and they tell you they'd rather wait for AAA, get out and change the flat anyway. When you sneeze in the office and the chick in the neighboring cubicle doesn't say God Bless You, go to the cubicle and lean in real close to her ear and shout, "Um, Ahhh Chooo!!! Fuckin' douchbag!" Then grab her by the wrist and slap your balled up snotty tissue into her palm, clenching her fist shut around the tissue before you return to your seat. Also, don't forget to mail out framed 5X7 photographs of yourself to everyone for whom you have an address. Include no note of explanation.

See you at the parade!