Saturday, February 15, 2003

Pornography Makes You A Better Person Day!

All 24 hours of today are special because today if you watch pornography it means you're a better parent and you'll also be able to better accept the fact that good people have to die even when they're loved by many and do so much good for others. It only comes around once a year, so make the most of it. Rent, purchase or download as much pornographic material as you can enjoy and you'll feel yourself become less likely to suffer from heart disease and more likely to pummel Collins at Racquetball this Thursday. Not to mention all those dinner party invitations that are gonna start pouring in because you're gonna be one hell of a witty storyteller after watching all that porn!


Q:But isn't porn wrong?

A: I don't know.

So hurry over to the shopping center to beat the rush to the renovated coat closet of your favorite Korean video store and just grab as many pornographic video boxes as you can fit into your arms. If someone comes in after you and says, "Hey, you took all the porn!" you tell them you're sorry but you're not going to share. If that person asks you out on a date, you say "Normally I'd say yes, but after I watch all this porn I'm going to be such a wonderful person I'm going to have to beat them off with a stick." If the person asks, "Beat what off with a stick?" say "Big dogs."

Happy Pornography Makes You A Better Person Day!