Monday, February 17, 2003

Popsicle Sex Day!

It's deep February, true, and a lot of folks are buried under snow or at least late winter malaise. But unfortunately, today is Popsicle Sex Day. And yes, you have to engage in some form of sexual activity that incorporates a popsicle or popsicles. Or ice cream candy bars I suppose.

Actually, scratch that. No ice cream candy bars, you sick son of a bitch. Anyway, if you just wanna go through the motions, do the right thing and circle a nipple with the tip of the popsicle (it hurts, I know) then someone have an orgasm and no one'll be the wiser. Just as long as the popsicle is bared and you guys look like you're aware of it and maybe pretend to dig it a little, just to please the giant invisible ant that watches everyone have sex and eats those who don't do it the way he wants you to. I mentioned this one was his, right?

If you really wanna go whole-hog with this one, slide the popsicle in and out of each other's mouths, vaginas and anuses over and over again in a real "let's fuck the popsicle!" kinda way. If one or both of you has a penis, slap it up against the popsicle then lick the popsicle or let the popsicle melt its juice all over your penises and then you can lick and suck all of the penises clean. Once the popsicle is completely melted, if you're still into having sex with something you shouldn't have sex with, you can use the popsicle stick. I know it doesn't feel as good to have a skinny little popsicle stick inside yourself, but how good did an ice cold popsicle feel? It's more the gesture of it that's getting you off here.

If you don't have anyone to have sex with before the day's out, you can't just masturbate using a popsicle and avoid the wrath of the giant invisible ant. You'll have to have sex with someone using a popsicle before midnight. If the person you choose doesn't want to have sex with you, you can always force him or her to have sex with you. The ant will find you and eat you. Know this.

Happy Popsicle Sex Day!