Tuesday, February 04, 2003

Make Some Promises But Try Not To Burst Out Laughing Day!

You need money to drink for another week right? Well I'm betting there's someone who would be thrilled to give you money, a car, even sex if you would just promise to quit drinking. People go fucking batshit with joy when someone promises to quit drinking. It makes them feel important or something. They get way conceited too, acting all, "I matter more than alcohol" as if that were possible.

It'll come back to haunt them later. Whenever someone is convinced that someone quit drinking for him or her, he or she will start blabbing it all over town. They just can't wait to call up their friends and say, "We're putting the divorce on hold because Allison/Joshua promised to quit drinking because that's how fine this ass is. How's your divorce coming?" Then about ten seconds later when ol' Drunkles crashes like seven cars into the living room with a shrug, everyone in town laughs at the foolish little fool because he or she got just desserts for being boastful.

But you can't change a person. If the one you wanna promise to quit drinking to so you can get some money is the kind of person who brags a lot, that's not your problem. All you have to do is get down on your knees and keep a straight face until you get the cash in your palm. And once you watch the money unfold in between your fingertips and you think you might explode with laughter, don't run out the door without an explanation. Just say something like, "Thanks man. Now I gotta go apologize to people for shit I did when I was loaded. I'll be at McGilli-- er, a meeting." At least you made someone happy for a few minutes, and a few minutes can last a lifetime. Especially if they die a few minutes from now.

Happy Make Some Promises But Try Not To Burst Out Laughing Day!