Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Confess To A Crime You Didn't Commit Day!

There's a lot of reasons to do this, and none more appealing than to be one of those "crackpots" that cops are always talking about whenever they announce that they need a criminal to be responsible for a crime. "Crackpots comin' out of the woodwork" is what policemen say. But they have to talk to you like you are the criminal they want to hire until they can rule you out. So for at least the beginning of the interrogation you get to feel all, "I'm the RiverOaks Strangler and I did it because of television programming!" Eventually, of course, they'll get you to admit that you're afraid of the dark so you couldn't have strangled the people who were strangled at nighttime. But on occasion, every single thing about your personality and history matches up with the real criminal. So they let you go to prison. And it could work out that the real criminal gets hit by a bus right when you go into prison, so there aren't any more crimes committed while you're behind bars. So no one doubts that you did it and when you die in jail from asphyxiation on cocks, America will remember you as "That guy that killed all those people."

Another big reason to confess to a crime you didn't commit is because you're mentally retarded and the police ask you to sign a document. Sign it and you'll get free tater tots every day for the rest of your life.

And one more reason is to avoid being a father to your child and the army won't take you because you have a heart condition. No one asks you to show up for a first communion if you're doing three to five.

Happy Confess To A Crime You Didn't Commit Day!