Welcome Back, Shooter Day!
Your visit to the Grand Canyon won't go as planned. This will be apparent from the minute you sidle up to the information desk and the teenage girl behind the counter looks at your face and says, "Nice to see you again Shooter. You back to see if you can fill that canyon to the rim with innocent baby's blood?"
Tell the girl your name and ask her whether there was any space left at any of the campgrounds where you could hitch your trailer. She'll suggest that you just put a bullet in whoever might be occupying the hitch you're looking for.
"Wouldn't expect nothing less from you, Shooter," she'll say.
Again, tell her your name and say that she must have you mistaken for someone else.
When you walk out to your trailer, the girl will follow. She'll put her fingers to her lips and release a loud whistle. The other tour guides and park rangers will turn at the sound and when they spot you they'll all go pale and warn the younger children to get back inside their cars.
When you get back into the trailer explain to your wife that everyone at the Grand Canyon thinks you're someone named Shooter.
"Who's Shooter?" one of your kids will say.
"Sounds like he's a kid-killer honey. Sounds like the staff around here have been waiting a pretty long time for some payback. Load my Glock will you sweetie?"
Your wife will ask you if she can expect some shit this evening. "We gonna have to plug some poor dumb citizens?" she'll say.
Tell her that unless they can get it in their head that you're not the Shooter they're looking for, unless they can leave you and your family alone to enjoy the majesty of the Grand Canyon, then yes, every last one of them is gonna have to die.
Your wife will kiss your cheek because she's been looking for some action ever since Nebraska.
Happy Welcome Back, Shooter Day!