Saturday, December 17, 2005

Morning Breath Day

Morning Breath Day!

Everyone calls you Morning Breath because your breath smells horrible. You've tried to use breath spray and mints but it doesn't help. You've changed your diet. You've even changed your soap and shampoo just in case it's been affecting your body chemistry somehow. No dice.

Tonight you have a big date and just like all of your big dates, it's not going to go well if she thinks your terrible breath is caused only by you being disgusting. You're going to have to tell her that you're dying.

"I have an intestinal disease," say. "That's why my saliva smells so bad."

She'll say, "I'm sorry."

Ask her if she'd like to be your girlfriend until you die. "I only have six months. You can be in love with me, then you can mourn me for a really long time after that and no one will blame you for skipping out on parties or being late for work because they'll assume you were crying."

She'll say, "Sounds good. I'm in. I'm gonna love you to the end."

Rock! You're gonna have a girlfriend who is cool with your breathing stinking like old milk because she thinks you won't live that long, and who will love you as passionately as someone who thinks time is running out. And when you don't die in six months, all she'll be able to assume is that you recovered and she'll have to be happy for you. So it'll be like another three months after that before she decides that she can't be around someone who stinks so bad if he isn't dying. That's nine whole months of girlfriend, baby. You're stinking pretty tonight!

Happy Morning Breath Day!