Sunday, December 04, 2005

Communicate To Somebody That A Crime Is Taking Place Using Only Pantomime Day

Communicate To Somebody That A Crime Is Taking Place Using Only Pantomime Day!

Today, when you are walking through the parking lot of a bar you've never patronized before, you'll spy someone trying to break into a car by jamming a coat hanger into the windowframe of the driver's side door. Since you've never alerted someone to a crime in progress before, make it especially memorable by using only pantomime.

Just run inside to the bartender and wave your hands hysterically to bring him to your end of the bar.

"What's the problem, Bub?" he'll ask.

Point to the front door. Remember to keep your eyes wide the whole time to make it clear that you're very excited about something and everyone who's trying to read your wacky gestures should be very excited too.

"Something going on outside?" the bartender will ask.

Move your fists in front of you like you're driving a car.

"Something to do with a car?" he'll ask.

You're doing good so far. But now you have to figure out how to portray a thief. Try looking suspiciously over your shoulders, then grab a wad of bills off the bar and put them in your pocket.

The bartender will say, "I saw that. Put that money back."

Shake your head no to make it clear that you are only pretending to steal the money for the purpose of what you're trying to get across to him.

"Don't tell me no. Put the money back, son. Think you can distract me with some story about someone driving a car just so you can grab twelve bucks off my bartop? Dummy or no dummy you're taking that money outta your pocket."

The bartender will be holding onto the end of a baseball bat. Put the money back on the bar.

"That's better," the bartender will say. "Now hightail it outta here."

Shake your head no with those scared wide eyes again. Point at the door.

"Now what?"

Make the driving motion.

"Driving," the bartender will say. "Got it."

Now you've got to make it clear that a crime is being committed. If you can't come up with a good one for thievery, try murder. Point a fake gun at someone, then pretend to be that someone with his hands up. Then pretend to get shot.

The bartender will shout, "My God, someone's getting killed out there!" He'll grab his bat and call two of his customers to come with him. After a few minutes, they'll come back in.

"Ain't no one trying to kill nobody out there. Only thing that we saw was some fool trying to break into Daryl's car. You tried to distract me again so you could cop some cash, didn't you dummy?"

It's time to start talking because they're going to get pretty mean if you don't make with an explanation fast.

"No, I wasn't," say. "It was the car thief I was trying to tell you about."

One of the customers will shout, "Son of a bitch ain't even mute!" They'll all grab you and shake you upside down until your wallet falls out. Someone will empty your wallet. The people shaking you will lose their grip and drop you on your head. You'll fall unconscious.

One of the patrons will agree to take you home with him and tend to your wound. While you're asleep, he'll touch your privates and pleasure himself.

Happy Communicate To Somebody That A Crime Is Taking Place Using Only Pantomime Day!