Thursday, December 15, 2005

Homeowner Day

Homeowner Day!

Though you are a homeowner, you are not allowed to shoot trespassing children unless they pose a credible threat to your person or your family. So when little Marty climbs the wall of your yard to retrieve a ball, provoke him.

Point your shotgun at him and say, "You wouldn't have to be staring down the barrels of this here gun if you learned how to catch, girl-arm."

Marty will say, "You're right, I don't know how to catch. Can I stay here with you? When I go back to the game they're all just gonna make fun of me."

You'll be confused because you've been an angry old man ever since your wife Georgia died. It's been a long time since anyone asked to keep your company. "What'll we do?" ask him.

Marty will shrug his shoulders. "Got anything to teach me?"

Say, "Do you know how to make Hollandaise sauce?"

Marty will shake his head no. Then he'll toss the ball over the fence to his friends and come running to your side.

In the kitchen, you'll show Marty how to make your special Hollandaise sauce. "Put this on a couple poached eggs and you'll feel like you deserve a little bit more than most people. Which you don't. It's important for a boy your age to learn that you aren't special. Almost as important as it is that you learn to make a good Hollandaise. Keep stirring."

Marty will stir the Hollandaise sauce and tell you about how his father and grandfather don't talk.

"I don't talk to my son neither, the little bastard."

Marty will ask if you'll be his grandpa. Since his Dad won't let him have one.

Say, "I need to confess something first. When I came out there in the yard earlier with my shotgun, I really wanted to shoot you. Shoot you dead. I was hoping you might throw that ball at me so I could say I'd been attacked and open fire. If you can live with your grandpa doing something like that, sure. I'll be your grandpa, kid."

Marty will hug your legs. Give him a check for five dollars.

Happy Homeowner Day!