Saturday, December 31, 2005

Learn To Play The World's Smallest Violin So That People Can Actually Hear It Day

People like to open up to you about their troubles, and nothing helps them pour their hearts out like when you play them a slow, mournful piece of music, such as something for the violin.

You'd like to be able to play something new and special every time someone solicits your attention for a heart-to-heart. Trouble is, you have a busy schedule with a lot of errands to run. You can't be lugging your violin around with you everywhere you go. That's why you bought yourself the world's smallest violin. It cost you $83,000.

You thought your problem was solved, but learning to play the thing has not been easy. In the quiet of your practice studio, you can hear the instrument fine. Its music is a little softer, but just as beautiful if not more so. It was carved out of a kind of wood you just don't find today.

But it's a lot quieter than you thought, and it's caused several unfortunate altercations with your friends. You'll be walking through a crowded park or sharing a subway ride with a friend and he'll start telling you what sort of trouble he's got himself into. When he's unraveled the bulk of the sad tale, you'll take the world's smallest violin out of your pocket and start to play him something beautiful and poignant, something that might have been written just for him. Trouble is, he can't hear it.

"What is that?" your friend will ask.

"That's the world's smallest violin and I'm playing it just for you. Pretty cool right? Cost me $83,000."

He'll look at your fingers rubbing together, then he'll grow enraged. "Fuck you," he'll say. "Sorry to waste your time, asshole. You used to be a good friend to me."

Then your friend will storm off. You'll try to pull him back so you can put your hand close enough to his ear for him to hear the song you're playing for him. "Please," you'll beg your friend. "It really is such a beautiful song."

Your friend will just throw you to the ground and tell you that he slept with one of your ex-girlfriends while you were still with her, but never told you about it (this has been confessed by three separate friends on three separate occasions, each following an incident with the world's smallest violin). What all this says is that today you should really learn to play the world's smallest violin so that people can hear it. Also, you date tramps.

Happy Learn To Play The World's Smallest Violin So That People Can Actually Hear It Day!