Fill Your Apartment From Floor To Ceiling With Piles Of Newspapers Day!
If you fill your apartment with piles of newspapers from floor to ceiling, any boy you bring home will look at all the newspapers and shout, "Wow! You probably have every newspaper ever printed for the last ten years in here!"
Say, "I try to collect them all. But sometimes I end up in the hospital for a while." Then offer a nightcap.
The boy will say, "I bet if I wanted to find out what the big news story was on April 9th, 1997, I'd be able to root through the pile and see for myself."
Tell him that he probably could but it would take a while to find the right paper. "I tried to order them according to how far off the weather report was from the actual weather, but the degrees of difference did not vary as much as I thought. So then I started separating them into piles of when Ziggy talked or when he was just reading a funny sign. But that doesn't make a particular issue easy to find."
The boy will say, "I could move in and put them in order for you. By date even. Should take me four years."
Say okay. Then pee into a saucepan.
"We have to pee into buckets and saucepans and empty them out the window," tell the boy. "I took the toilet out to make room for more newspapers."
The boy will nod.
"Can you turn around?" ask him. "I'm shy."
The boy will turn around. Continue peeing into your saucepan, then go and make love to your new live-in boyfriend on a pile of Ziggy's-Just-Reading-A-Funny-Sign.
Happy Fill Your Apartment From Floor To Ceiling With Piles Of Newspapers Day!