Friday, July 22, 2005

Whale Watch Day

Whale Watch Day!

Midway through the Whale Watch, the students you're chaperoning will start diving into the ocean to swim with the whales. This will piss you off in a big way because throughout the entire ride you'll have been trying to impress the pretty Whale Watch guide by showing her how good you are with the kids.

She'll be standing by your side when they start to throw themselves overboard. The two of you will watch them from the upper deck as one by one their eyes gloss over and they dive into the chilly water. Always quick with the save, you're going to deliver a line that will demonstrate to her the kind of lightning-quick wit that only a suburban middle school biology teacher can posses.

Say, "Someone must have cut the cheese down there."

She'll laugh until she feels sick inside, then she'll put her hand on your shoulder. "Don't feel bad," she'll say. "This happens a lot. The whales are mischievous beasts and they often call to passengers on surrounding boats to come and join them. Only children can hear the pleas intoned in their song. We have a rescue boat for this sort of thing."

Just then you'll see an orange six-seater veer out from the back of the boat to collect the children.

"Nothing to worry about," the Whale Watch guide will say. Her hand will still be on your shoulder.

Say, "Can I kiss you? Before my students get back?"

She'll bring her walkie talkie to her mouth and say, "Take your time down there, Manny. Mama Bear just caught herself a fish."

"10-4! I knew that shit was on!" Manny, the rescue boat captain, will respond through her walkie-talkie.

With that the pretty Whale Watch guide will wrap her arms around your neck, pull you down close and show you just how lonely it can get on the high seas.

Happy Whale Watch Day!