Saturday, July 09, 2005

The Painting Party Day

The Painting Party Day!

Turn your painting party into a super fun time by inviting everyone to paint a deep dark secret on the wall and allow everybody to read it before they all silently paint over the secret and let it disappear into the walls forever.

Say, "I'll start." Then paint on the wall, "When I was six, I killed my best friend. I held a plastic bag over her head. Our parents thought it was an accident, but she struggled, and I fought her to keep the plastic bag wrapped around her neck."

Paint over the secret, and then hand the brush to whoever's nearest. It will be Deborah, your friend Mark's wife. Deborah will paint, "When I wear earrings, I feel like a whore."

And then Deborah's secret will be wiped away and the brush will be passed around the room as everyone gets excited to spill their beans all over your wall. Kevin, your former neighbor, will paint, "I have genital warts. Bad." Linda, your coworker, will paint, "I often hope that my elderly grandmother will pass away. I know that's not an uncommon wish, since the burden can be too much. But there you go. I only came here to paint some walls and meet a guy." Everyone will laugh as they paint over Linda's secret. And Brad, your old boyfriend will sidle up a little closer to her.

The secrets that are shared will come from all sorts of places:

"I've sabotaged the work of several of my colleagues to rise to where I am in my career."

"I was still doing heroin when I was pregnant with Alicia."

"I am a contracted killer, hired to murder someone you all know but who never seems to show up at any of these parties."

"My dick stinks. Everyone says so."

By the time the last secret is being painted, the only wall-space left will be a little corner of the coat closet. Joe, your husband, will paint, "I hate party games. I hate secrets. From the very beginning I've felt that we weren't right for each other but something keeps me by your side. Something I can't live without."

Your guests will all read it and they'll break the rule of silence and start guessing at what your husband can't live without. Your laugh! Your pussy! Your cooking! Your knees! I really think it's your pussy! I mean think about it! Could be her tits! Come on, tits can't hold a marriage together! I'm with Sarah, it's your cooking! Will you people shut up! It's got to be her pussy! Have you ever seen the thing? It's awesome! Your tender and caring demeanor! Your pussy! Did someone say that already?

They'll all just keep on shouting while you kiss your husband with all you've got, his left hand on your back and his right brushing away his secret with a heavy coat of periwinkle.

Happy The Painting Party Day!