Thursday, July 21, 2005

19 Ways To Tell A Cajun Chef To Go Fuck Himself Day

19 Ways To Tell A Cajun Chef To Go Fuck Himself Day!

Today at the upscale food court the guy stirring the pots at the "Taste Of Ol' New Orleans" counter is going to piss you off royally when he brings up your dead wife.

The way it'll go down is he'll be shouting at passersby stuff like, "Git on up and git some gumbo I guar-on-tee!" With some potential customers he'll offer up a personal pitch. Stuff like, "Man wears a tie that ugly he won't mind spillin' a little bit of this city's finest Cajun gumbo all over that [garbled]." But when you walk past, with no desire to eat any Cajun food because, frankly, you think it blows, the chef will shout out, "What's with the sour face mon frere? Only way a man could frown like that is if he was in week two of mourning over his tragically lost young wife, I guar-on-tee!"

Yes, he's very perceptive, and maybe you are wearing your loss on your sleeve a little bit, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell him to go fuck himself. Here's how!

First, say, "What'd you say? As a matter of fact my wife did die recently. Why don't you go fuck yourself?"

The Cajun chef will apologize for hitting a nerve and will suggest you wash away your pain with a bowl of some gumbo.

Say, "How bout you shove that gumbo up your flabby ass, you hear me Mardi Gras?"

The Cajun chef will ask if you'd perhaps care for a nice shrimp po' boy.

Say, "Listen James Carville, your food's stupid, your accent's stupid, your hometown is a condom-littered Frathouse and you work in a food court. Even with all that against you, I still say you should go fuck yourself."

The Cajun chef will ask if you'd like some jambalaya.

Say, "No, I don't want some jambalaya. I want my wife back. She back there? No? Oh, I forgot, she's in the ground. Then how 'bout you go fuck yourself instead."

The Cajun chef will ask how she died.

Say, "Breast cancer. I hope your wife and daughters get it. Go fuck yourself, Ignatius."

The Cajun chef will say that he's unmarried. That he came close once, but it all just fell apart. He's not sure if he's to blame, but he blames himself anyway.

Say, "Go fuck yourself. I hope you die on a bus."

The Cajun chef will say that the conversation you and he are having is the closest he's come to a friendship since grade school. He'll tell you that his father was in the army and that he switched schools a lot.

Say, "If you were at a school for five minutes I bet the whole school would meet for an assembly so that they'd all be sure to tell you to go fuck yourself before you moved to the next base. Go fuck yourself, Ellen Barkin in The Big Easy."

The Cajun chef will stir his gumbo a little. Then he'll say, "I want to touch you. I guar-on-tee!"

Say, "I want to watch your nuts get eaten by possums while you're still alive and screaming, Dennis Quaid in The Big Easy. Go fuck yourself."

The Cajun Chef will shout entreaties for other customers to come to his counter.

Say, "Stay away from this food. It's being prepared by a chef who is about to go fuck himself."

The Cajun chef will throw his ladle on the ground in disgust. He'll say, "Look, I'm sorry about that crack about your wife. It was obvious you were in mourning, so I used it. I gotta use what I can. I'm workin' here all day."

Say, "My wife spent her last 18 hours on this earth screaming as loud as she could. I hope you spend your last 36 doing the same. And go fuck yourself Crawdad."

The Cajun Chef will hand you a card for a grief counselor that he knows. He'll say, "This guy can help you."

Rip the card up, throw it on the ground, then spit on the pile. Say, "Go fuck yourself Anne Rice."

The Cajun chef will say, "You can tell me to fuck myself all you want, but I'm only going to respond by trying to make amends. And by trying to get you to taste my delicious Muffuleta Sandwich."

Smack the sandwich out of his hand and say, "I miss her so much I can't even breathe. I can't sleep in our bed because I wake up panting. Aw God. Go fuck yourself Buckwheat Zydeco."

The Cajun chef will ask his manager if he can go on break. He'll lead you out to his car and open up the trunk. "Take a look in there," he'll say.

Say, "Go fuck yourself Creole." Then look inside the trunk. There will be a picnic basket.

The Cajun chef will say, "There are no perishables in there. Just some drinks, plates and utensils and sealed snacks. But I can fill this basket within five minutes and we can have ourselves a picnic. What do you say?"

Say, "Go fuck youself." Then get in his car and wait for him to fill up the basket with Cajun deliciousness.

At the park, the Cajun chef will pull out a Frisbee. He'll say, "You throw?"

Say, "I'll throw so hard you'll have no choice but to fuck yourself with that thing." Then cavort about the field with him until the guilt overwhelms you.

The Cajun chef will see you doubled over with tears and he'll shout, "I'll come over there and hold you if you let me! I guar-on-tee!"

Shout back, "Go fuck yourself, Decatur Street!"

The Cajun chef will begin walking towards you. He'll shout, "You can only shut us out for so long!"

Shout back, "Hey French Quarter, you can go fuck yourself for all I care. You understand?"

The Cajun chef will come closer. "She'd want you to move on," he'll shout.

Scream back at him, "Goddammit you didn't know this woman! The world should have stopped when she left. Asking me to go on is like asking me to commit a crime against nature!" Cry a little into the back of your hand, then add, "Go fuck yourself cayenne pepper."

The Cajun chef will be standing before you. He'll put his arms around you and you should just fall into his embrace. He'll say, "Just let me carry the load. Just for a minute."

Let his compassion seep in and course through your veins. Let it disarm you. You'll feel so tired you won't have any choice but to stay there in his arms and let him hold you up. Say, "This doesn't change anything. You should still go fuck yourself. Guar-on-tee?"

The Cajun chef will pat your back. "Guar-on-tee," he'll say. "Shhh. I guar-on-tee."

Happy 19 Ways To Tell A Cajun Chef To Go Fuck Himself Day!