Saturday, July 02, 2005

It's The Girls Are Pretty "Everything That Moves" Long Weekend!

It's The Girls Are Pretty "Everything That Moves" Long Weekend!

Prettygirl's been feeling a little too citified lately. So she signed up for an "Everything That Moves" weekend retreat in Rye, NY. The "Everything That Moves" retreat takes place on a secluded farmland and everyone who pays the $130,000 must either fuck or kill everything that moves. It won't be very relaxing, since Prettygirl will have to elude the efforts of other retreat-goers to either fuck or kill her. But not to worry. Not only is Prettygirl quite nimble, she is also a master of spontaneous camouflage as well as being way hot. No one will try to kill her if they haven't already fucked her first. The only thing we should all keep our fingers crossed for is that the place isn't overrun with single amputees like last year. Where's the sport?

As usual, the next few days are going up now. Scroll way down to read today's. Don't read tomorrow's until tomorrow. If you read ahead, your skin will dry up and you'll feel like a corn flake.

Tuesday, July 5, 2005

Masturbate All Over Everything Day!

Whenever you look around your apartment you think, "Almost there. It just needs something."

Why not masturbate all over everything. It will give your home that, "Everything's been masturbated on" look. There are crafts stores that can sell you stuff that already looks like it's been masturbated all over, sure. But you're a purist. Get to work.

Happy Masturbate All Over Everything Day!

Monday, July 4, 2005

Car Race For A Girl Day!

You and your best friend Mikey both love Marisa, who is dead (crushed between your cars when you were playing chicken one night). Now you're fighting over who gets to mourn her like a lover, and who should limit his mourning only to that of a friend. Race for it.

Happy Car Race For A Girl Day!

Sunday, July 3, 2005

Go To The Park And Make People Dance Day!

Because human beings are simply too elegant to waste their time walking around like a bunch of droll housecats. Turn the public park into a Saturday night dance hall. Whenever you see a group of people whom you would like to watch dance, shoot at their feet.

Happy Go To The Park And Make People Dance Day!

Saturday, July 2, 2005

Check The Fridge Day!

This morning, you're going to base your potential for a relationship with the person you slept with last night according to the feeling you get when you open his or her fridge. Pure gut reaction. When you look inside and see recently purchased jars of hummus, some not rotten fruit and lettuce that looks so fresh it actually makes you want to make a sandwich, and two bottles of spring water, one opened, you might think, "I would dig if this stuff were in my fridge." If so, go back to bed and cuddle.

If you look inside the fridge and there's a little boy shivering inside, slam the door shut. You don't want him to spoil. Then run for it.

Happy Check The Fridge Day!