Kiss A Girl Day!
You've waited patiently enough, and it has not gone unnoticed. It is well past time for you to kiss a girl.
Go to 3rd and Elm, in the old Chinatown. You'll see a fabric store called Ching Chong Fabrics. Go inside and ask the counterperson if she sells Star Wars Episode One bedsheet fabric. She will lead you to the back room, to a door in the wall. You will turn to her to ask her where the door leads, but she will now be holding a pistol aimed at your head. Open the door and go through it.
Now you are in an alleyway. There is a homeless man singing about three coins in a fountain while rooting deep into a trash can. Kick him in the rear. When he falls head first into the trash can and tumbles over, walk in whatever direction the can tumbles.
After ninety-one paces, you will see a very small fair. There will be a one-horse Merry Go Round, and egg roll booth, and a kissing booth. Go to the egg roll booth and buy and egg roll BUT DON'T EAT IT. It will spoil your breath for the kiss, firstly, and secondly, if you pay the girl at the kissing booth a dollar, she will kiss you. If you give her an egg roll, she will lead you to a basement where young Asian women working off the debt they incurred by being smuggled into the country are forced to kiss boys as if they were in love with them and this was the first and only chance they'd get to kiss the object of their love before they were injected with mumps.
Happy Kiss A Girl Day!