Friday, June 20, 2003

It's the Girls Are Pretty Labor Weekend!

This weekend, Prettygirl is going to have a baby. She should be done by Sunday. But Friday and Saturday are going up now, because even if she manages to have a baby by Saturday, she is gonna be so loaded after. Don't read Saturday until Saturday or the rationalizations that keep you getting out of bed in the morning will topple like a house of cards.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Pancakes And Bourbon Day!

Your grandfather used to eat this every single day for forty years before beating your mother senseless. It's time for you to carry on the tradition. Bourbon alone makes a man a but rambunctious. Pancakes alone makes a head get rather hazy. Pancakes and bourbon put together and you'll get in your car with the starkly conscious intention of driving it at high speed directly into your own house. Pancakes and bourbon makes you wig out, s'what I'm saying, ya'll.

Happy Pancakes And Bourbon Day!

Friday, June 20, 2003

Break It To Them With A Pie In The Face Day!

So, your beloved brother Michael is dead. He was your children's favorite uncle and now you have to tell them they're never going to see him again. This will be their first experience of death. Is there any proper way to handle this?

Why not use the old Pie In The Face gag. When your kids walk through the door and start screaming "Mom! Mom?!" step out into the doorway and casually shove a pie into each of their faces. They'll start giggling and maybe crying a little (pie hurts when it gets in your eyes) and they'll want to clean up. Don't let them.

Sit them down on the couch as with the pie drips from their solemn chins into their shivering laps, say "Remember Mommy told you about your Uncle Michael's epilepsy. How he sometimes has seizures? Well last night he had another one when his wife wasn't at home. He choked on his own tongue. I'm afraid he's dead."

Your kids will want to ask things like "You mean we'll never see him again?" But before they do, they'll try to clean off their faces. Don't let them. Just make them sit there with pie on their faces and think about what this all means. After about three minutes, say "Okay, go get cleaned up."

When they're much older, they'll tell this story to their spouses as evidence of you having been out of your mind. But they'll both add, "You know, she kind of had a point. Cruel as it was."

Happy Break It To Them With A Pie In The Face Day!