Thursday, June 19, 2003

How Kittens Become Cats Day!

It's time you knew the truth about Mittens.

It would appear that a kitten merely grows in size and coat as it ages, until your sweet little kitten has become the wise and tempered cat that will spend the rest of its days at the foot of your bed. But there is one very clear and specific step a kitten must take before it can become a Cat. The step is bloody.

It happens the night you can't find her, and you assume she got into the basement and is hiding. This is what you assume, but in reality, Mittens is out on the streets, in the backyards, roaming all night long, hunting. For before Mittens becomes a cat, she must kill a fully grown cat, one who is completely innocent. Mittens has to walk right up, with at least one other kitten watching to bring word back, and Mittens has to open up that poor Cat's throat to keep the mewling to a minimum. Then Mittens sends a paw full of claws into that friendly, law-abiding cat's big furry belly and skin it open like a can of sardines. Then Mittens and the kitten that's standing witness sink a claw into that Cat's chest and drag it out into the street, alerting the neighborhood to the fact that another kitten is on the way to becoming a Cat.

When Mittens returns to where the other kittens are awaiting word, she gets the shit kicked out of her and she takes it without a meow. Then Mittens enters into an eighteen-hour cocoon.

Happy How Kittens Become Cats Day!