Last night you went out and ordered yourself a big Mexican meal. Unfortunately, you filled up on banana daiquiris before your entrée came and you had lots of leftover fish tacos so you brought them home in a doggy bag. Today you’re gonna go looking for the doggy bag in the fridge but it won’t be there. After a furtive search, you’ll remember that when you walked into your apartment you instantly fell down on the floor and you didn’t want to get back up, so you stuffed the doggy bag underneath the couch for safekeeping, just in case any burglars came in, and you went to sleep there for a dozen hours.
Now you’re fucking starving and you really want to eat those fucking fish tacos. But are they still good if they weren’t kept refrigerated and are now covered in dust bunnies and credit card receipts and long lost universal remote controls?
“No,” your friend Barbara will say. “Don’t eat them.”
Explain to Barbara that you want to eat them.
“Don’t,” Barbara will say. “And don’t call me at the hospital again. They pulled me out of a surgery for this.”
Assume that Barbara didn’t get what you mean when you said you want to eat the tacos and call Gerald for a second opinion.
“Don’t eat the tacos,” Gerald will say. Tell Gerald you think it’s really rude of him to just rush to judgment like that after you made it clear to him that you want to eat the tacos. Gerald will hang up on you. Unbeknownst to either of you, you will both sit down at your respective desks and simultaneously write each other letters severing your friendship.
After a few more calls to friends who won’t pay attention to what you want, you’ll take a bite of one of the tacos. It will not taste as good as at the restaurant, but at least you’ll be doing what you want and that’s what’s important because this is America. Call all your friends back and tell them they can love it or they can leave it on their answering machines (no one will answer your calls for a few days). After you bite into a dust bunny that is crunchy with a dead cricket, you’ll decide you’ve eaten enough of your leftovers and you’ll go and cruise True.com and check out who’s lonely this week.
Happy You Left Your Fish Tacos Under The Couch Day!