Friday, August 17, 2007

Be A Loanshark Day!

Today you’ll find that you have an extra 740 dollars in your checking account just doing nothing but sitting there wondering why no one will ask it to dance. Why not put that money to work and become a loanshark? There are a whole lot of people out there who need money in a hurry and have nowhere else to go. Tell them they can come to you.

You’ll need to spread the word by putting up some signs around the neighborhood announcing that there’s some new money out on the street if anyone wants to make use of it. Don’t advertise your interest rate on the signs. You want them to come to you first so that you can show them the 740 dollars (get it in tens and fives so it looks like a lot). Once they see it, as long as your interest rate is competitive with the rate offered by the dozens of check cashing places throughout the city, the needy borrower won’t be able to resist.

At first you’ll have a whole lot of people showing up at your apartment looking for several hundred thousand dollars at a time so that they can put up the front money for a shipment of cocaine or a remodeled baby’s room. They’ll be a little annoyed when they find out they wasted their time for a shot at a measly 740 dollars. Tell them to check back with you in a few months when you expect your loansharking business will have taken off and you’ll have as much as nine or even ten hundred dollars to be offered in loans.

Several members of the criminal underworld might pay you a visit as well, depending on where you live. If there is anyone in your area who is already operating a loansharking business, they might want to set you on fire to keep you from competing with them. If you tell them immediately that you only have 740 dollars to loan out, you should be able to avoid violence since the loanshark will likely start laughing at you until he is winded. However, be very careful because the loanshark might suggest that you take a loan from him in order to really get your loansharking business off the ground. Don’t accept it. Unlike you, most loansharks are amoral sociopaths who love the thrill and the danger of committing murder. Just explain to him that you want to do this on your own because you’re trying to prove something to yourself. Many loansharks were once doubtful young men who wondered if they have what it takes to rise to the top of the unregulated finance industry, and he might respect you for your ambition and let you keep your face.

Ultimately, you’ll be approached by an elderly man who wants to buy his wife of many years some new blankets, and he’ll take you up on a loan of $500, with interest of course. One day you’ll remember that man when you’re sitting on a big pile of money you’ve bled from the neediest in your community. But for now, just make sure he pays you his monthly interest. If he doesn’t, you’ll have to make some kind of threat that will scare him, such as the old dog doo on a stick threat. Stab a stick into some dog doo and hold it towards the old man’s face. Tell him you’ll smoosh it if he doesn’t pay up. If that doesn’t make him pay, he’s a shit freak and you can kiss the money goodbye.

Happy Be A Loanshark Day!