Today is your first day in the personal development workshop, “Little Kids Who Love Their Moms Too Much.” It’s for children in your age group (5-8) who seem overly needy for their mothers’ attention. You were recommended for the workshop by your teacher after your fourth day arriving at Kindergarten, crying for your mom to not let you go and then spending the first few hours saying, “I want my Mommy.” It was decided that you had dependence issues.
At the workshop, you are introduced to various women of your mom’s age and you’re given time to get to know these women and learn that the world is full of women just as intelligent and interesting as your mother. The first you’ll meet is Carrie, who loves jazz.
“Listen to those horns,” Carrie will say as she snaps her fingers to a compact disc she’s playing for you. “Man those cats can howl.” You’ll kick Carrie’s shins.
Next you’ll meet Laraine. Laraine is an urban planner. “I decide where stuff should go and when someone says they wanna build something I tell ‘em how high.” Laraine will spend a lot of time on her cell phone. She’ll get angry when you pick up her purse and dump its contents on the floor.
You’ll also spend time with Sue (a lawyer), Barbara (a Hertz car rental agent) and Mandy (a nutritionist). They will all tell you about their jobs and their hobbies and they’ll all seem very nice, but none of them will have that smell or that softness or that unnameable warmth that your mom has. By the time you reach Kathy, you’ll be crying.
“You miss your Mom?” Kathy will ask.
“I miss my son,” she’ll say. “He just started kindergarten. I thought I’d come here to play with other kids and it would take some of the sting away. But man I can’t be without that kid for a second. He’s so awesome.”
“My mom is great,” you’ll tell her.
Kathy will whisper, “Wanna get out of here?”
You’ll nod, and Kathy will throw a chair through the window and lift you through it. Then she’ll follow and the two of you will take off running, hand-in-hand, never stopping until you get what’s yours (a hug).
Happy Little Kids Who Love Their Moms Too Much Day!