Tuesday, August 28, 2007

This Time, It Really Kinda Will Be Adam & Steve…Sort Of… Day!

After your last breakup, you decided to move into an underwater bio bubble and live under the observation of some scientists while being constantly filmed by MTV. The scientists are watching to see what sort of society you and your roommates will create when thrown into a microcosm of the world above. MTV is watching to see three of you get drunk and have sex in a hot tub.

The two worlds will collide when all seven of you start to argue over who gets to be among the three people who have sex in the hot tub. After several months of living in your underwater realm, you’ve all become consumed with the need to procreate and protect the species. An essential element to the experiment is that you have no contact with anyone on the surface world, including the scientists and production staff from MTV. Thus, not only do you have no clue as to whether the world above has been wiped out by nuclear holocaust and/or environmental catastrophe, you’ve all accepted that it has with absolute certainty.

“I know they said we’d never hear from them,” Steve the danceclub DJ tells the rest of you during the weekly chore meeting. “But do you really think they’d actually go so far as to never once make contact? They’re all dead. We’re it! We have to make sure the human race lives on!”

“This is just the bubble fucking with you,” Nancy the environmental activist replies. “Hold on to your senses.”

“There’s only one way to find out,” says Denise the girl with HIV. She leaves the room and when you all smell smoke, you realize she’s lit your house on fire to see if anyone comes to help put it out. You all rush to extinguish the fire and when Denise tries to stop you, you club her to death.

“Murderers!” shouts Andy, the video artist who was in love with Denise. Andy comes running at the rest of you with a lamp. He manages to kill Doris, the singer/songwriter from Niger. The rest of you swarm Andy and crush his skull under a West Elm sofa.

Now that both Denise and Doris have been killed, you, Nancy, and Leona the Vegan are the only women left, and you really want to be the one who gets to have three-way sex in the hot tub, thereby becoming mother of the species. So tonight when Leona and Nancy are asleep you’re going to stab them in their chests and necks. Tomorrow you will enter the hot tub with Steve the danceclub DJ and Adam, the med school student who will certainly up the ratings when he climbs into the tub with you and Steve and promptly comes out of the closet. Steve will still be willing to make it happen with you, though it is pretty cool that this time around the origin of humanity will actually be able to reference both Adam and Steve as being present and you all acknowledge that for the cameras while surrendering to hot, wet, bicurious species propagation.

Happy This Time, It Really Kinda Will Be Adam & Steve…Sort Of… Day!