Thursday, August 09, 2007

Fake Your Death Day!

Find someone who looks just like you and mail him some of your clothes. He'll be confused at first, but eventually he'll put on the clothes and go outside because what would you do? Make sure you're there when he does because it will probably only happen once that he'll put on an entire outfit of your clothes without mixing and matching them into his own wardrobe. When you see him in your clothes, run up to him and hand him your wallet. Say, "I want you to have this. It's what I want." He'll again be confused by such random behavior, but he'll take the wallet because what would you do? It would be rude not to. He'll put the wallet in his pocket then you'll spray him with gasoline, making sure to get his face and hands really wet with the gas, and then you'll set him on fire. Once he's dead, kick all his teeth in and steal them. When the police come, they'll say, "His face, hands, and teeth are gone, so we'll have to identify him by his clothes and his wallet." They'll report you officially dead and you won't have to go in to work tomorrow or worry about whether you'll ever have an experience singular enough that you could tell someone about it without them falling over dead from boredom. Unless in your new life you get a new job and make new friends who are waiting for something remotely interesting to fall out of your mouth.

Happy Fake Your Death Day!