Today you are going to have health insurance for the first time ever (you’re fifty!). Immediately after electing for a comprehensive PPO plan, you start looking around the house for all the stuff you’ve been dying to shove up your rear end but were too afraid of the super-high health costs you might incur if something gets stuck and you require professional retrieval. You have a very large coffee table, so you gather all the items on your wish list and line them up on your coffee table, in the order that you’d like to try them out. That order is as follows:
- Your “If My Face Is In This Mug, Get Yours Out Of My Cubicle” coffee mug
- The remote that came with your cable box
- One of those tubes of toothpaste that you sit upside down on the sink so the paste is always ready to come out
- A footstool (the legs are braided wood)
- A pair of Seven for All Mankind jeans
- Colin, your wife’s Puggle (won’t stay on the table)
- A photograph of Chow Yun-Fat
- Roll of nickels
- Dreams and notions
- A small, vibrating ass-plug
When your wife comes home, she’ll see all the items on the able and say, “Today’s the big day then?”
You’ll look at her with a grin that both thanks her for being understanding and sort of asks her once more whether she’s sure she’s okay with this.
“I’ll be staying at the Comfort Inn on 76,” she’ll say. Then she’ll kiss you. “I’m proud of you.”
Your wife will leave and you’ll sit down on the couch, staring at your bounty, trying not to cry.
“I’m lucky,” you’ll say. The puggle will bark and you’ll go into the bathroom to ready yourself.
Happy Health Insurance Day!