Friday, June 14, 2002

It's Remain Clothed While In Public Friday!

Awwwwww yeah, TGIF! Party ovuh where?!

(And all the Freelance Technical Writers shout "Party Ovuh Heeyah!!!)

Friday is an exciting time for fans of Jalapeno Poppers all over the country. But after you log off for the day and you make your functional alcoholic's sprint toward the local theme restaurant's happy hour, remember to keep an eye out for people who will demand that you remove your clothing in public.

Ladies, how many times have you been stopped at a light on your drive to Chili's when the balding man with an "I'm impotent" goattee in the '91 Tercel across the intersection starts flashing his headlights at you and miming the act of lifting up his shirt. Suddenly, you're in a quandary. "Does he just want me to show him my breasts in their bra, or is he hoping to see my bare nipples? This bra is difficult to refasten once undone, though. And how long should I remain topless in order to satisfy him? O, cursed debacle!"

No need to fret. For today is that one day of the year that you are to remain fully clothed while in public, even if someone demands that you expose your naked body!

So if you're walking down the street and a crowd of say one hundred men start shouting "SHOW US YOUR TITS!!! HURRY UP AND SHOW US YOUR FUCKING TITS!!!" you just smile and take out your pocket calendar and point to Friday, June 14th, shaking your head as if to say, "Sorry fellas." Once they remember the date they'll unhand you and help you look for some of the buttons they ripped off of your blouse and may even offer some Polysporin to help scab some of the cuts on your face and neck. Then, they'll start kicking over some trash cans.

It's a fine day of relaxation for men and women alike. The corporate sector used to be a man's kingdom. But lately, no matter what he's the VP of, a man can't even walk outside to a sandwich cart without windows flying open and women bellowing out from their offices, "WHIP OUT YOUR FUCKING COCK AND WAGGLE IT AT ME, SHITFUCKER!!!" And sure, he'll pull his penis from his pants and kind of shake it at them or slap it back and forth against his upper thighs to make a kind of CLAP-CLAP sound, but the modern ladies of today's corporate world are not easily satisfied. "NO, FUCKDICK! ERECT! WE DON'T WANNA SEE YOUR SHRIVELED LITTLE TOOL!!! MAKE IT HARD, LIKE YOU'RE READY TO FUCK US BLIND!!! OR YOU'RE DEAD!!! YOU HEAR US?! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD!!!" So there he is, today's captain of industry reduced to masturbating on the sidewalk under the watchful eyes of scores of judgemental colleagues, doing all he can to achieve an erection and waggle it at the surrounding expanse of offices just so he can go and have his lunch in peace.

But not today. Today men and women alike can stride with the confidence of someone who doesn't have to disrobe in public at a stranger's demand. Because today's Remain Clothed While In Public Friday! Now who wants to go halvsies on a quesadilla?