Monday, June 03, 2002
Don't Run From Bears Day!
If a bear walks up to you and arches up on his/her hind legs and roars like "Grrrr! I'm a rip you into like fifty pieces! Awesome!!!" don't run. When a bear wants to kill you, running away is like saying to the bear "Oh God I'm gonna die!" and the bear just gets really into it. So just sit there. Even if the bear doesn't stop roaring at you for days. Just act like you couldn't give a shit if you or your children live or die. Eventually, the bear, which is actually a naturally occurring force of existential angst, will realize that living another day is something you could take or leave. The bear will perceive that you would find your own dismemberment as disagreeable as being forced to take a lemon in your vodka tonic because the bartender is out of limes. Remember, if you are menstruating, you should bury yourself to the bellybutton in soil.