Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Learn To Spit A Loogie Up In The Air And Catch It In Your Mouth Day!

No other way to call yourself a lady. Plus, this is such an eyecatching talent that you can bet it's going to save your life one day. For example, let's say you've been captured by Rich Men In Suits who plan to detonate the bomb in the middle of the world. The room where you and the three Rich Men In Suits go to detonate the bomb has ultrasensitive floor tiles that can tell if more than four people are in the room at any time. If it does detect that there are more than four, the room will be gassed and firesprayed from jets in the ceiling.

You learn all of this and you're in there thinking, "I have to figure how I can distract them to pull the lever on the World-Bomb back up to fail-safe and then run. Hmmmm." So you shout out to the Rich Men In Suits, "Hey fellas, you said the ultrasensitive floorboards can detect whether there's more than four people in here, and even a drop of sweat can set off the trigger?" The Rich Men In Suits will nod in unison. You'll say, "Check it kids!" And you'll spit a loogie way up in the air.

The three Rich Men In Suits will run and dive through the air to try to swat your loogie into their fists. They'll clamor overtop each other and finally pile each other into a mound of Rich Man on the floor, each of them having swatted blindly into the faces of the others, not a one of them coming close to grabbing your loogie.

Ultimately, your loogie will land square on your tonsils and with a sharp gulp you'll reach out and bring the lever up to fail-safe, then you'll plant your high heels atop the pile of Rich Men In Suits and hop out the door. They're gonna chase you, but the man you love will have arrived by then and he'll have guns.

Happy Learn To Spit A Loogie Up In The Air And Catch It In Your Mouth Day!