Monday, March 01, 2004

Yeah, Well, She Just Won A Car Sunday And Monday!

So Prettygirl missed Sunday's Personal Regression assignment, but it was only because she won a car. It's a Nissan. She won it on a game show early Sunday morning. It was a live game show called, "Stun-Gun The Fuck!" It's an early Sunday morning program in which everyday people are picked from the audience to come on stage and test their might. Each contestant is given a stun-gun. And there's this fuck that they bring out who's job it is to try to get away. On the count of three, the contestants are required to run out and stun-gun him until he's legally retarded. The fuck wears this stupid hat and gloves too. Anyway, Prettygirl won the car (a Nissan!) and was driving around town all day long with her black friend. So yesterday and today are going up right now. Scroll down to read yesterday's first and then read today's or else..well...or else it just won't work.

Monday, March 1, 2004

Whip-its Day!

Drive to a parking lot tonight with some "pals," sit on the trunk of your car and do some whip-its until you don't know anything at all. After about an hour of giggling, run off. You're going to wake up under a bench somewhere. The friends you leave behind will be cool with it. They're gonna neck.

Happy Whip-its Day!

Sunday, February 29, 2004

The Great Linda Calenbeck (1921- 1980) Day!

Everyone knows she was a revolutionary in the field of agricultural technology. What people don't know about Linda Calenbeck is that she was once cast off of a lifeboat.

As a girl of only 10 years old, she joined her parents on a cruise to Ireland. Unfortunately, they booked passage on the Vorihaine, which of course went down in the Atlantic on January 20th, 1932. Linda ended up on a lifeboat filled with young children and teens and one drunken midshipman. Her parents got safely onto a another lifeboat after they saw her down into the ocean on hers.

The midshipman had filled several flasks with whiskey to carry him through the wait for rescue. In a drunken miscalculation, he decided it would be best to begin rowing out to where he guessed the rescue ship would be coming from. This took their boat out of sight of the others, and when day broke, panic stirred among the children. They knew they had no guardian in the midshipman, who sat at the stern sipping his liquor and ignoring their pleas. The children decided they were going to die out there, and they started talking of who might be the first.

It turned into a game. The doom they thought was theirs turned in their minds into a doom over which they had command. "We are all going to die out here," said one little girl with long red hair, the ringleader, as Linda remembered. "We just have to pick who will die first."

The ringleader and the other children who gathered around her as her adopted minions began to debate over who would be the first to go and why. They settled upon a small boy who was mute. "You won't be able to scream for help when they come. You're the first to die," said the ringleader. The minions crouched towards the boy chanting, "Death at sea. Death at sea. Death at sea." The boy cowered away from them as far as he could go until he threw himself overboard, presumably to drown.

The ringleader and her minions continued in their game. They moved on from searching out handicaps that might hinder survival and handed out their death sentences without any obvious rationale. A teenage boy with no shoes. A girl with trim eyelashes. A boy who had freckles. Linda was seventh.

"You have flowers on your dress," said the ringleader. "You're not going to be rescued."

"Death at sea. Death at sea." The minions came to Linda like goblins. She stayed in the boat until their hands were upon her. They didn't push her overboard. They just pushed at her. Linda climbed over the side and jumped in. It was a game and she'd gotten tagged out.

She tried to stay underwater as long as she could, hoping the lifeboat would be out of sight when she came back up. It wasn't, so she went back under. And again. And again until the boat was gone.

Linda floated. Swam some. And the next thing she remembered was waking up in a bed. She had no memory of how long she had waited for rescue, and no comprehension of how long she remained conscious in the water. It was considered a miracle that she lived.

There was never any documentation made of what went on in that lifeboat. It is believed that twelve children jumped overboard, and nine drowned. The other two that survived told the same story that Linda told. The name of the ringleader was never learned. The midshipman was fired.

Happy The Great Linda Calenbeck (1921- 1980) Day!