Friday, March 05, 2004

All Her Guns Day!

"I'm frightened for the girl," say.

"But you love your guns," your husband will say. He is so very supportive of you.

And you do love your guns. The hunt for a special addition to your collection can take you months at a time. And then there's the little items that you need just to complete a series. Sometimes when you walk out of a gun show you look as if you're not so much "collecting guns" as "amassing arms." But every single pistol has its own special meaning for you.

He knows that. He's the only one. All your friends and family consider your gun collection as just a silly hobby that you fell into after your last miscarriage and never managed to climb out of. "If it lets me see that smile of yours," he likes to say, "there can't be a damn thing wrong with it."

"But she could get hurt. She's twelve now. Getting curious."

Your husband will rub the whiskers of his chin. "I see where you're going with this," he'll say. "She's waking up to her sexuality. And only a blind man wouldn't see the virility seething out the barrel of a handgun. Your afraid she's gonna go down there and..."


Your husband will stop rubbing his chin.

"I'm simply afraid of an accident. I couldn't live with myself if my weapons brought harm to my baby."

Your husband will kneel down before where you're sitting and put his hands on your shoulders. "You are the greatest of all time. To act so selflessly."

He's going to start crying again. "Get it together," say.

He'll take a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I just... You do what you think is best. But we've taught her again and again how to behave around the guns. Her education is her safety. I don't think we have anything to worry about."

Think for a second. Then say, "All the same, I think I should get rid of the ones that go off by themselves when it gets hot in the summer."

He's just gonna start crying again. Go for a drive.

Happy All Her Guns Day!