Monday, March 29, 2004

You Have a Bomb In Your Bag Day!

When the FBI people come onto the plane, they show their badges and shout out into the cabin, "We're the FBI hot damn. We have reason to believe someone on this plane has a bomb in his or her bag and that's a hot damn. If any of you has a bomb on this plane, simply give it to us and we swear to God we won't yell."

You think, "Did I bring a bomb on the plane?"

The FBI men start to walk through the cabin, looking all the passengers in the eye. They stop midway through the cabin and the one FBI man says, "Ya know, everybody, we're not a bunch of big mean toughies trying to show everyone who's boss. We're only trying to make your flight better, hot damn. That's what we're doing here, we're just a special kind of flight attendant. The kind where you say, 'Excuse me, sir, but this bomb might disturb me.' And I'll say, 'Oh let me take that away for you then.' And I take it away and you never have to worry about it again." The FBI man looks at the flight attendant smiling behind him and he says, "But of course, hot damn, I could never make the outfit look as good as she does." Everyone laughs and the FBI men continue through the cabin asking passengers to give them bombs.

You think, "Oh Christ, I think there's a bomb in my bag."

You want to get up and pull your bag down from the overhead so you can check. You look down the aisle and you see one of the FBI men playing with a passenger's iPod. You begin to recollect packing your bags. Toiletries, socks, underwear, exams to be graded (you're a professor), polo shirts, um…bomb?

"Fuck," you think, "Where the fuck did I get my hands on a bomb?"

The FBI men have taken a short break, just kind of leaning on seats and staring off into space, when you stand up and say, "Look, can we please get this over with?"

One of the FBI men says, "We got our Joe."

The other says, "Hot damn." They come to you.

"You got the bomb, Joe?" says the one.

You say, "I don't know. I could, for all I know. Let's just check my bag."

The FBI man points to the overhead compartment and you nod. The FBI man pulls the bag out and unzips it without worrying about a goddamn thing. He roots through the bag, finding no bomb. But he does find a three-pack of Trojan condoms.

He holds the condoms up and says to the cabin, "Look what I found everybody."

The other passengers turn to see the three-pack of condoms and they either laugh or faint.

The FBI man says to you, "What are you gonna have sex?"

You say, "I'm not sure. So there's no bomb in there?"

The FBI man says, "No bomb. But thanks for letting us check your shit. LET'S MOVE!!!" he shouts to his partner. They casually continue through the cabin.

Happy You Have a Bomb In Your Bag Day!