Monday, August 19, 2002

Win Something Day!
You could go for a stuffed animal at a fixed carnival game of "Shoot The Milk Bottles Down With An AK-47". Or maybe it's time you tried to win your wayward boy/girlfriend back from that society type who may know what to do with the second fork from the left but sure don't know how to turn the back seat of a chevy into a conjugal bed when they're parked in front of a moonlit reservoir. Whatever you win, you'll be disappointed because shit you win always comes with a catch or it's just cheap goods with a stain all over it that's hidden when it's hanging on a makeshift wall fifteen feet away.

For example, let's say you manage to shoot down all those milk bottles crackety crack and you get to pick any of the top shelf biggest stuffed pink bears wearing sun visors that might strike your fancy. Guaranteed, no matter what you pick, it's gonna be leaking stuffing or it'll have a stain all over it, like a water stain, that you don't notice until you give it to the little 9 year old neighbor boy who's been stirring disturbing and until now dormant feelings in your belly. Who wants to see a kid's eyes light up then get all squinty and grossed out when he realizes he was given a shit bear?

Or maybe you finally win your girlfriend back from that society type. I bet when you look closer, she'll be pregnant with the baby of some other dude you never even heard of or she'll have a stain all over her, like a water stain. And she's not even wearing a visor. Sorry, but you won fair and square.

So yeah, win something today. It's about time you learned that if you want the brass ring you gotta work for it. And if you win the lotto you might as well just kill yourself with pills right now because you are so screwed I'm actually sad.