Friday, August 09, 2002

They Know Day!
Whether you're an undercover cop or you moved to a new town six months ago where you were certain no one would ever find out you're actually a chick, get outta there! They know.

I knew this one guy who took a job at a Starbucks because he was trying to hide the fact that he wasn't a fan of Moby. Who knows how long he managed to pull the wool over his coworkers' eyes. But it certainly wasn't long before they started playing him. One day, during a slow period (mid-afternoon, an hour before the high school kids across the street started cutting 8th period), two Young People were waiting in line and they mentioned how it'd be cool if that spacesuit Moby wears in that video had been filled with dogshit and Moby had been dipped inside it and the helmet fastened on tight so he might die cast in a suit of poo. My friend, working the "Noisy Machines Station", couldn't help but smirk. And the Frappucino he was whipping up made such a racket that he didn't hear the front door being locked. And when he looked up to offer the two Young People their whipped espresso drink, their eyes had changed. He saw sincerity in them. And he noticed that someone had bought a "Sorry, We're Closed" sign and put it on the door of the Starbucks. Before he knew it, they had him bent backwards, his head underneath the coffee dispenser, his arms tied to the counter with the black counter helper's (the one who you swear you saw dancing in a Gap ad last Christmas) professionally set braids, his legs gone. Scalding hot coffee pumped into his mouth, overflowing down his chest and up over his eyes. He knew he was blind long before he would die. Then they let little kids fuck him. Then they made him wear a "Free Winona" tee shirt. And that's when the conversation about one of his coworker's Pilates class began. Soon, he was being fed to raccoons while some chick shot him in the arm repeatedly with a small gun that didn't do much damage but hurt. All in all, everything about being that guy sucked.

Happy They Know Day!