Some Dude Named Pendleton's Got Cancer Day!
Today is the day that people who wish to congregate in honor of things can come out on the streets to congregate in honor of the fact that some dude named Pendleton has cancer.
"I heard he lives in Nova Scotia," a man you've just met will say to you and some others waiting in line for coffee.
"I once dated a girl whose last name was Pendleton. She didn't have any brothers," another fellow will offer.
"Anyone hear what kind of cancer he has?" a little boy will ask. The boy is a thief and a liar and he will one day grow to be a man who will lead a crowd even larger than the one that has gathered today. He will lead that crowd to its death.
"No," you'll say. Others will shake their heads.
A selfish man might begin, "I sure hope I don't get cancer because dying of cancer really sucks the big--" and he will be silenced with shouts of "How could you be so selfish as to draw attention away from some dude named Pendleton to your own concerns and fears?!" and "What a cuntwad!" This man will remember all of your faces. Mark his words.
Anyway, after a few hours most everybody will realize it's almost time to eat and the crowd will disperse, content that they spent their Saturday afternoon doing something. And there were other people there to see it, even.
Happy Some Dude Named Pendleton's Got Cancer Day!