Some boys are about to come and take Pretty Girl away for 24 to 36 hours. Since automobiles have a tendency to "break down" and people can sometimes, without explanation, "just vanish" it seemed like a good idea to get both today's and tomorrow's personal regression assignments up so that no one has to spend Sunday afternoon all fetal and rocking back and forth on a hardwood floor without any pants on. Scroll past Sunday to read Saturday. It is recommended that you not read Sunday's post until Sunday! If you give yourself time to think this shit through, the spark will go out and you'll get that "What's the point" look on your face that sent him/her away in the first place. Stay frosty!
And if Monday passes without word from Pretty Girl, please tell the authorities to look for a cabin 400 miles South-Southeast of Tijuana. Send a chopper.
SUNDAY, MAY 5TH
Set Some Shit On Fire In The Middle Of Your Apartment Day!
Photographs of friends and lovers who've betrayed you are quite the cliche, but they only became a cliche because they just work so fucking well. What else are you gonna burn? A credit card bill? Ooooh!!! You're a real hellion aren't you?
If you have evidence of a murder you committed, yeah that'll work. But you had to burn that anyway. It's like you're doing chores. You need to burn something that represents a first step down a dangerous and self-destructive path. Like a letter begging for your forgiveness. Or...a fucking photograph of a guy/girl wrapped up happily in your arms!
Granted, burning a memento from the past could also signal your first step down a healthy path of spiritual renewal and self-discovery, which is really great for you but we don't wanna hear about it, okay? We're all in front of our computers one click away from checking to see if farmpics.com has a free tour so let's keep things naughty. Thanks.
As to the act of incineration itself, crosslegged in the middle of the living room floor is nice. Blinds closed, door locked, lights off, lovely. Kind of let your eyes glaze over as the flames dance in their reflection, as if something's just been resolved in the blood-drenched caverns of your mind. And let the fire burn just a little bit longer than you're comfortable with, till you're unsure that you can put it out. Whether you do put it out or let the blaze run its course until you walk calmly to the street as if you're unaware that you're just a silhouette against the raging fireball that used to be your home is up to you on Set Some Shit On Fire In The Middle Of Your Apartment Day!
SATURDAY, MAY 4TH
Tell Someone Who May Not Know How Attractive He/She Is Just How Attractive You Find Him/Her To Be Day!
The best way for this to work is if one or both of you is currently unavailable. The point is not to proposition the person, but to pay him/her a compliment that will send him/her to bed with a smile across his/her face. And the payback is that he/she is guaranteed to spend many hours envisioning how a romantic union with you might play out. Which is what you want above all anyway, right? You simply want to be thought of by someone who is in bed waiting to fall asleep. And yes, being defended when someone talks ill of you behind your back is a plus. But nothing compares to being on people's minds, yes?
However, when and if the two of you find yourselves coincidentally available again, expect he/she to come knocking. As stated above, this is the kind of shit people don't forget about, especially when they're running down the list of prospective candidates for ego-boosting rebound sex. But that's the price you pay on Tell Someone Who May Not Know How Attractive He/She Is Just How Attractive You Find Him/Her To Be Day!