Thursday, February 22, 2007

Your Real Dad's Just Not That Into You Day!

You ran away from home to go live with your real Dad because your new step-dad won't stop trying to win you over with big stuffed bears and new mopeds.

"He's trying too hard," you'll tell your real Dad. "I hate that."

"But when I ran off when you were four," he'll explain, "It's because I knew I didn't want to raise you."

"That's what I like about you," you'll say. "You know what you want. You're not desperate to make something happen where it can't happen. You just said to yourself I'm not into my daughter so I'm gonna split. Can I stay?"

A girl a few years younger than you will come wandering into the living room. Your Dad will introduce her as his daughter, Carol. Your name's Caroline.

"I see what's going on here," you'll say. "Carol. Caroline. You're totally trying to make her into an approximation of me."

Your Dad will laugh. "Carol's actually my Mom's name. I wanted to name you Carol, but your Mom wanted to make it Caroline."

"Yeah, suuuure," you'll say.

"Really, it's not that I was trying to make her like you. More like I was trying to get it right this time."

You'll burst into tears. Your Dad and half sister will run to console you.

"It's all right," you'll sob. "It's my fault. I'm always chasing after the guy who doesn't want me."

Your half-sister will say, "But that's probably because your Dad ran off. So really, it's his fault. Let her stay Dad."

"But I don't want her to stay," your Dad will tell his daughter. "That's why I ran off, remember?"

"Oh right," your half-sister will say.

Your Dad will suggest that maybe you should just go back and give your new stepdad a shot. "He sounds like a nice guy," he'll say. "Even if he's coming on a little strong."

"Pffft. Nice. Who likes nice?" you'll say.

"She's got a point," your half-sister will say. "Nice guys are gross. I wouldn't want that guy as my step-dad neither."

Your real Dad will blame himself for teaching the both of you to think that a relationship with a man must necessarily involve chasing after his affection.

"Don't worry about it," you'll say. "I'll go back and give it another shot. I mean, he says he'll pay for my college and all, so it might be worth it."

"He's paying for your college!" your half-sister will say. Then she'll start yelling at your real Dad, who'll argue that college is for fags and he spent all his money already. They'll keep fighting while you walk out to the highway, where you'll see by the electronic sign on the median that your lame-ass coming-on-too-strong stepdad had the police issue one of those retarded Amber Alerts about you.

"Okay, I get it! You dig me!" you'll say as you stick out your thumb to hitch a ride home.

Happy Your Real Dad's Just Not That Into You Day!