You got a really good deal on your apartment. It's a nice size in a great location, and it gets a lot of sun in the morning. The only catch is the large pit of quicksand in the center of the living room.
"I can't have any cats," you tell people. "Learned that the hard way. Also, I have to keep a lot of long tree branches and bamboo rods around the house, and that shit can splinter all over the place. But aside from that, it's a really good deal."
Today you're going to come home and find your cousin Rodney trying to claw his way out of the pit of quicksand. You had forgotten he was coming to stay with you today. The super must have let him in.
"Holy fucking shit help me!" he'll scream when he sees you.
He'll grab onto the piece of bamboo you hold out to him and you'll drag him onto the hardwood floor.
"Why didn't you tell me you had a pit of quicksand in your apartment, Cousin?" he'll ask, in between coughing up clumps of soft, wet sand.
"Didn't I?" you'll say.
Your cousin will shower and you'll take his clothes down to the laundromat to wash the quicksand off, then you'll take him out to dinner and let him tell you all about why he dropped out of college. His mother asked you to give him a pep talk, but all he'll be able to tell you is, "Jesus, I almost died back there," and "Your apartment is really stupid, you know that right?"
Happy Quicksand Day!