Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Tuxedo Man Day!

Today your boss is going to fire you because you wear a tuxedo to work every single day.

"Are you interviewing?" he'll ask. "To be a maitre'd or a ballroom dance instructor or something?"

"I love my job," you'll tell him. "It's just that I was starting to have trouble breathing because it felt like every day I was just a little less alive, so my therapist told me to live every day like it was the most important day of my life. What would you wear on the most important day of your life? Khakis? I think not."

Your boss will regretfully tell you that he wants you to clean out your desk and go because your attire gives the office a kind of party atmosphere. "This is serious business we're engaged in here," he'll say. "And when you walk in, everyone gets thirsty for champagne. Just go."

You'll go home and wait for your wife. She has to pick your daughter up from her school since the teachers think that when you show up in a tux in the middle of the day, you must still be drunk from a late night gallivanting with a crowd of high society types. And since you wear a tux every day, they worry that you've got your morals buried under a bowl of caviar. "We won't leave her alone with him" they told your wife. "The wealthy and bored, in their tuxes and their ball-gowns, they find it harder and harder to be entertained and they're capable of anything, as long as it presents a shot at novelty."

When your wife comes home she'll tell you that she wants to go to her mother's funeral without you. "You don't wear a tuxedo to a funeral," she'll say.

You'll say, "It's black."

Your wife will start throwing stuff at you, including a potted plant, and it will dirty your tuxedo jacket, which means that you'll have to change into another tuxedo (you have twelve) if you want to make it to the funeral in time. When you walk into the church, all of the married men will remember how they wanted to throw a big party, with a pinata even, when their mother-in-laws died, but they figured it'd be insensitive. Find a pew and release a torrent of sobs in tribute to this woman who raised and nurtured your beautiful, loving wife (who is planning to leave you at sunrise).

Happy Tuxedo Man Day!