Monday, February 12, 2007

JennyFest 07 Day!

You want to show Jenny how much you love her, so you've organized an all-day music festival in her honor. The trouble is, you don't know how to organize music festivals. You figured this would be a point in your favor, since if you were Ron Delsener of Ron Delsener Productions or some other asshole who puts on big shows all the time, it wouldn't be that big a deal to hold a music festival in a girl's honor. You not knowing how to put on a festival demonstrates just how much work you're willing to put in to make Jenny feel special.

In theory, this would be true. For example, if you learned Japanese so that you could speak directly to your Japanese girlfriend's parents, that would be very impressive. The difference is, if you fail at putting on a music festival, people die. If you fail at learning Japanese, the only person who might die is a Japanese man who is about to get hit by a car while you try to remember how to tell him to look out.

People are going to die today at the all-day music festival you're putting on in your girlfriend's name. Thousands of people. You'll get them to come out by advertising that Radiohead and the White Stripes will be headlining for free. Since you'll hold the festival in upstate New York, the people will be forced to light trash on fire to keep warm. Fights will break out when people push closer to the flames, and several people will be shoved into the fires and will suffer severe burns.

There won't be any bathrooms (you didn't think of that). And there won't be any food or drinks served (you didn't think of that). Those who had the foresight to bring food and water and toilet paper will have to protect themselves from marauding gangs of thieves and looters. Many people will be beaten and robbed of their goods. Several will die this way.

Your security force will amount to a bunch of large wild dogs. Every once in a while, you'll flash on the video screen messages that read: "Behave Or We Will Release The Dogs." Unfortunately, the dogs will get loose and just start attacking the people. Many will die this way.

Radiohead will leave when they see the dogs eating their fans. The White Stripes will never show up in the first place. The only band left will be a reunited School Of Fish (with new singer). They'll play their one hit, "Three Strange Days," and the crowd will calm down enough to enjoy it. For fear of making the crowd angry with a song they aren't familiar with, they'll just play "Three Strange Days" a couple more times before running off stage and taking off in their van.

The crowd will start demanding that either Radiohead or the White Stripes play their set. They'll start throwing burning trash at the stage. The dogs will continue to attack many concertgoers. The ones still alive will chant "Worst! Concert! Ever! Worst! Concert! Ever!" You'll start to panic that in an effort to honor your girlfriend (ex, actually. She broke up with you two days ago because you were spending too much time putting this concert together) you'll have created a disaster that will be remembered for years and years to come as the day thousands of music fans were killed. Without any idea of how to placate the crowd, you'll come on the PA and shout, "And now, ladies and gentleman, for the first time ever, Radiohead and the White Stripes, playing together!"

The crowd will rush the stage, trampling many. They'll be excited, crushing many at the front up against the stage. Several minutes will pass before it becomes clear they were lied to. At this point, people will push toward the stage even harder to try to get to you and hurt you, and many will die. People will throw burning trash at the stage, but many of the throws will fall short and the trash will land in the crowd, setting fire to the clothing of concertgoers, and many will die. The dogs will rush into the meat of the crowd, feeding on as many concertgoers as they can, and many will die. By the time the night is over, in honor of Jenny, you'll have murdered thousands.

You'll take off running into the woods and you'll hide there for several weeks, trying not to freeze to death. When you return to society, you'll be charged and convicted of mass murder in the second degree. You'll serve several thousand consecutive life sentences. Jenny will not visit you in prison. She'll be happily married to Ron Delsener or Ron Delsener Productions.

Happy JennyFest 07 Day!