One morning about six weeks ago, you decided not to get out of bed. You stayed in bed all day long, and it felt so much better than going out and speaking to people that you did the same thing the next day too. Since then, you've left the bed only when you absolutely had to, like when you had to go to the bathroom or to the pharmacy. It's nice under the sheets. There's no one under there who'll look at you in a way that says they know what a joke of a life you lead, like that shop clerk did six weeks and one day ago.
Today you'll be compelled to get out of bed when you hear someone pounding on your bedroom wall and shouting 'Please! Please! Someone help before she comes back.'
You won't want to help, because that would mean getting out of bed, so you'll just knock on the wall a couple of times to let the guy know he's not alone.
That'll just end up setting him off. 'Oh God, hello?! Is someone there?! Please, call the police!'
You'll do as he says, thinking you'll be getting off easy. But after the police show up and set the man free, they'll come to your apartment to interview you about what you heard. They'll write things in their notebooks and you'll assume that they're writing 'Ugly Loser' with arrows pointing to a stick figure drawing of you.
'Thanks for your help ma'am,' one of the policemen will say. 'You really made our job much easier.'
When you go back to bed you'll imagine them laughing about how ugly they thought you were and how glad they are that they aren't you. You'll feel validated in your decision to stay in bed all these weeks.
Late tonight, there will be another knock on your door. You'll summon all the strength you have to get out of bed and endure the repulsed reaction of yet another stranger. When you open up, you'll see a very attractive man. 'Thank you for saving me,' he'll say.
You'll be curious enough about what he went through that you'll invite him in. The man will explain that he likes to get naked and let people lock him up in a cage like a stray dog. But he never expected when he answered the Craigs List ad of the married couple next door that they'd keep him locked up for days on end.
'I missed work,' he'll tell you. 'I think they intended to keep me in there until I died. They're Dangerous Tops.'
He'll tell you how lucky he was that you were in bed when he pulled his cage to the wall and started knocking. Then he'll notice your pajamas. 'You're still in bed,' he'll say. 'Are you sick?'
Say, 'Are you sick? You like to get locked up in cages.'
He'll say, 'It's just what I'm into.'
Say, 'Well, staying in bed all day is what I'm into. And you can stop looking at me like you think I'm gross.'
He'll say, 'Actually, I think you have nice eyes.'
You'll spend the rest of the night relating to each other about how nice it is to feel cordoned off from the rest of the world.
'Under my sheets, I can really be me,' tell him.
'In my cage, I am free,' he'll reply.
The next evening he'll arrive with a Man With A Van who will help him bring his cage upstairs. The cage will be placed right by your bed and you'll lock him in it before curling up underneath your sheets again. He'll spend the night whimpering like a dog while you fart silently. When you fall asleep for twelve minutes late in the night, it will be the best sleep you'll have had in weeks.
Happy You're Afraid To Get Out Of Bed Day!