Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Everyone's Pretty Sure You're The Reason All The Kids Are Going Missing Around Here Day!

It's because you never married. When kids start going missing in a town, everyone goes hunting for the dude who was too boring/smelly to ever get married. They assume that any man who doesn't have a wife is probably so sick of TV dinners that eventually he's just gonna start eating kids. It's a dumb way to think, sure, but it's the way it is. Anyway, everyone in town is on their way to your house. You better come up with something fast.

'What can I do you all for?' ask them when they arrive at your front step.

One of them will shout back, 'Give us back our kids, or whatever parts of our kids that you haven't eaten.' Everyone else will shout, 'Yeah!'

Say, 'I haven't eaten any of your kids. I'm sorry if you lost track of them, but it doesn't have anything to do with me.'

Someone will shout, 'Of course he's eaten them. He looks bloated!'

Someone else will shout, 'Yeah, he looks really fat with my Stanley.'

Someone else will shout, 'And my Colin! He looks huge, like my Colin!'

Then everyone else will shout their kids' names, asserting that the child must be in your stomach because you're so obese.

You have let yourself go recently and it hurts to hear people point it out, but now's not the time for hurt feelings. You gotta get out of this before they carve open your stomach to try and get their kids' Nikes back.

'I suppose I have put on a little weight,' tell them. 'Must be all that wedding cake!'

Everyone will murmur the words 'wedding cake' the way crowds do when they're slightly surprised by something they've just heard. That's when you should bring out the hooker.

'Fellow neighbors, I'd like you all to meet my new bride.' The hooker that you hired will step out on the porch, just like you instructed, and she'll wrap her arms around you and kiss you on the lips.

'You're married?!' someone will ask.

'I know it's all of a sudden,' say to them, 'but the fever kind of took hold of us over the weekend and today we headed down to city hall and took care of the job.'

Kiss the hooker, then smile out at the crowd. They'll start to lower their sticks and hand grenades to their sides. Someone will shout, 'He still could have eaten our kids before he got married!' but no one will go for it. Everyone knows that the unmarried are not, by definition, kiddie-eaters. It's the people who have never married and never will marry for whatever unspeakable reason that are perceived to be capable of eating all the children in a town. With the deception created by you and the hooker that you paid double to rush right over, you'll have sent the town away to follow their secondary suspicions.

'Come on!' someone will shout. 'Let's go to that new tanning salon and start asking some questions.'

After the population of your town goes away, you and the hooker will go back in the house and negotiate her fee for living with you indefinitely, until the children either return to the town or are found to have been eaten by some other loner freak. The hooker will of course be much more beautiful and intelligent than most hookers and by the time the mystery of the missing children is solved, you and she really will have fallen in love. You and she will marry and have a child who will one day be eaten by a 46-year old man who lives in a basement apartment by himself and who has a mustache.

Happy Everyone's Pretty Sure You're The Reason All The Kids Are Going Missing Around Here Day!