Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Don't Bail Your Son Out Of Jail Day!

You've always gone way too easy on your son in the discipline department and it's turned him into someone who doesn't think his actions will yield any consequences. So when he calls you tonight and tells you that he's been arrested for human trafficking and is being held at the police station, tell him you're not going to bail him out.

'You need to learn a lesson,' say.

Your son will explain that he probably won't be given a shot at bail. He got in trouble for helping to bring young girls over the border from Mexico and transport them to a whorehouse where they would be held captive and forced into prostitution for several years.

"One of the girls died,' he'll say 'It was long after she arrived at the house, but they might try to get me for accessory to murder since I provided the van that brought her there." Then he'll start to cry.

'Don't try to soften me up with those tears,' say. 'It's about time you learned the difference between right and wrong. I'm sorry kiddo, but a night in jail will do you some good. Now you rest up in that cell and think about what you did.'

Your son will say that he's not trying to get you to bail him out. He'll say that he doesn't think he can do the time a murder rap will bring him, and he wants to say goodbye to you.

'Goodbye,' say. Then hang up and go to bed feeling good about being a dad for once. Tomorrow when you go to the jail, you'll find that your son is on suicide watch after trying to take his own life because he was too scared to go to jail for a decade. This will make you upset because he will have clearly not learned what it means to be responsible, so to teach him another lesson you should leave the copies of Maxim that you brought for him out in the car. But tell him that you were planning on bringing them to him. Say, 'You'll get your magazines when I think you're mature enough to deserve to have a magazine to read.' He won't say anything because he'll have bruised his larynx pretty bad the night before.

Happy Don't Bail Your Son Out Of Jail Day!