Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Last Splash Day!

Today, while you are luxuriating in your beautiful clawfoot bathtub, an assassin will step casually into the bathroom and stand over you. He'll be wearing a black hip-length leather jacket and black slacks. He'll have greasy black hair, like Alec Baldwin.

'I know why you're here,' say to him. 'I've been waiting for you.'

'In the tub?' the assassin will ask. 'You sure you know why I'm here?'

'The tub is my favorite place,' tell him. 'When I realized that I had no way out of my situation and that I would soon be come for, I calculated how long it would be before I was staring down the barrel of my killer's gun. When the time came, I got into the tub and waited.'

'Were your calculations correct?' the killer will ask.

'What time is it?' ask him.

The killer will look at his watch and tell you it's 4 PM.

'I was off by two days,' tell him. 'I'm really starting to pickle.'

Show the killer your wrinkled palms. He'll laugh and so will you.

'I guess if I could choose where I'd buy my ticket, the tub would be pretty high up on my list,' your assassin will say. 'It's just so nice to lay back and let everything float away with the bubbles.'

You and the killer will both look down at the small island of bubbles resting on the water just above your groin, effectively shielding your privates from his eyes.

'Also,' you'll add, 'No blood to clean up.'

Your killer will shake his head. 'Actually, you'd be surprised how much back spray can spurt out of a bullet hole. Sometimes it's clean, sure. But a lot of the time it's like I just stabbed a shaken up soda can. You'll probably get some on the wall there by your head.'

You'll look at the wall and remember what a nice day you had with your wife when you painted it.

Your assassin will say, 'Anyway, I hate to rush this but I gotta get going.'

'Right, right,' you'll say. Splash a little bit of the warm water on your face and shoulders. Then say to the killer, 'Sorry to hold you up. Go to it.'

The killer will shoot you twice in the chest and just like he said, a messy burst of red will spray out along the wall by the tub. You'll die instantly and your body will slide down into the water. The reason you have to die in the first place is because you know way too much about this bullshit story that's being force-fed to the American people by the 9-11 commission.

Happy Last Splash Day!