Thursday, August 17, 2006

Earn A Little Money For Drinks Later Day!

You love to go out for drinks with your friends and you can't wait to meet them tonight. The trouble is, you only have four dollars.

You became homeless about two months ago when everything suddenly came crashing down (bad investments, whore addiction, ebay). You've been sleeping in abandoned cars and abandoned buildings and the only reason you don't smell yet is because your gym membership is still active for two more months, so you're still able to shower (you paid for eight months in advance back when you still had a job and a home).

Your friends would help, but you're too proud to let on how far you've fallen. You'd rather just go out and have fun like everything's the same as always. But how will you raise the money for at least two $8 caipirinhas, not to mention the $2 tip per drink? (You and your friends go to the sort of places where no one would split the two bucks change from a ten.)

If you don't eat at all today, you'll still need sixteen more dollars. The only place to get that kind of money is the local drug pusher.

Just go to the street where the drug pusher has his car parked. You'll find him leaning against his passenger side door and he'll be surrounded by women and men who laugh at everything he says in the hopes that he'll keep on selling them drugs instead of beating them on the eyes with the handle of his gun.

Approach him slowly, so he'll know you're friendly, and explain the situation.

'I need some money,' tell the drug pusher. 'Sixteen dollars.'

'I got lots of money,' the drug pusher will say. 'Why should I be giving any of it to you?'

Shrug. 'I could be your helper.'

The drug pusher will think about it. 'I never had a helper before,' he'll say. 'Tell you what. Lemme try you out for a day, have you run some errands. If I'm happy with your work, I'll pay you the sixteen dollars you need.'

'Will it be hard work?' ask the drug dealer.

He'll say, 'Just three errands. Not too hard. Do we have a deal?'

With a big smile, shake the drug pusher's hand and say, 'Deal!' Then get into the drug pusher's car.

For the first errand, the drug pusher will have you go to Crate and Barrel and return an ottoman he's unhappy with. For the second errand, the drug pusher will take you up to his bathroom and have you saw apart the six dead bodies lying in his bathtub. For the third errand, you'll do the drug pusher's laundry.

At the end of the day, the drug pusher will give you the sixteen dollars, as promised.

'Thanks!' you'll say, counting out the money in your hand.

'You're a hard worker,' the drug pusher will say. 'I see a little bit of myself in you.'

You'll blush and the drug dealer will muss your hair.

'I kind of feel like if someone had given me a chance the way I gave you one today, maybe I would have found a different line of work. One where I don't sell poison to my community.'

You'll say, 'It's never too late. Anyway, gotta go meet my friends now. Maybe I'll come back and work for you tomorrow?'

'Yeah, sure,' the drug pusher will say. But he'll sound distant. You won't notice because you'll only hear those caipirinhas calling. At drinks, you'll tell your friends all about your new job, except instead of telling them that you run errands for a drug pusher for sixteen dollars a day, you'll tell them that you're a stock broker. You'll have a grand old time spending all your money, knowing that there's more to be earned tomorrow.

But when you go to where the drug pusher parks his car tomorrow, the spot will be empty. The drug pusher will be gone. He'll be registering for continuing ed classes someplace, and you'll find yourself once again penniless with nothing to do but beg. All because you had to set your stupid example of being a good worker and convince the drug dealer to turn it all around for himself. How are you gonna eat tonight then, Mr. Hard Work? How are you gonna keep from getting killed in a vacant lot tonight, Mr. Do A Good Job?


Happy Earn A Little Money For Drinks Later Day!