Friday, August 18, 2006

Jump Your Motorcycle Over Some Stuff Day!

Today you're going to be riding your new motorcycle around the neighborhood, proving once and for all to everyone who sees you that you like girls. Some kids who are killing a stray cat with a bottle will see you pass and they'll stop what they're doing to ask you, 'Can you jump stuff?'

Laugh like that's a stupid question. 'Of course I can jump stuff. It's a motorcycle duh.'

The kids will hastily assemble a ramp in front of a trashcan and just because they like to, they'll set the trash inside the trashcan on fire.

'Jump that,' they'll say. 'If you don't, you like boys.'

The trashcan won't be all that high. Even though you haven't been riding the motorcycle for very long, jumping that can shouldn't be too difficult for anyone who is used to steering a bike steady and working the clutch. Nonetheless, your bike will tumble from the ramp into the trashcan and your leg will catch fire. You'll run down the street looking for some water to dip your leg in, leaving the bike behind while the kids laugh at you and call you queer.

You'll never go back for the bike. You'll know that what came to pass when you crashed off that ramp can't be undone. From that point on, everyone in the neighborhood will believe that you like boys. And the sudden lightness you'll feel in your heart will make you wonder if you crashed the bike on purpose. Announcing that you're gay simply by crashing a motorcycle into a burning trash can while some unsupervised urchins giggle on the sidewalk is a hell of a lot easier than saying the words out loud.

Happy Jump Your Motorcycle Over Some Stuff Day!