Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Your Girlfriend's Car Is For Sale Day!

Her Nissan can be purchased for $2800, according to the price tag scrawled in white across the windshield. You didn't know she was planning to buy a new car. But there it is in the used car lot that you pass every day on your way home. Same license plate. And they didn't even take off the Boston University frame around the plate before parking it with the nose facing the intersection. When you hit a red light you'll call her cell.

'Hey,' you'll say to her voicemail. 'You sold your car? What'd you do win the lottery? Give me a call if you want anything from the store on the way home.'

When you get home, you'll find that she packed up all her things and took off while you were at work. According to her note, she ran away with someone she met in AA. They're taking his car, so she sold hers for the cash. You'll feel like an idiot, not just because you didn't see it coming, but because you left her that message about the car and asking her if she wanted anything from the store. You'll wonder if she played it for him.

'Hey,' you'll say to her voicemail. 'Ignore that last message. I know why your car was for sale now. I got your note. I just want to say that I gave my all for you. I waited for you to get cleaned up and I helped you get your life back on track, and you repaid me by running off with the first loser with a 30-day chip. And I have to find out when I see your car parked at Joey's Used Wrecks? If you could delete that last message and let this one be my goodbye message to you, that'd be great. And don't play that last message for the guy you're with and laugh at me, okay? Just give me that, you fucking lush. Please? You owe me that much.'

She probably won't delete the first message, so you should leave five more rage-filled ones just to cancel that first one out. You could leave one where you hold the phone up to your ass while you take a loud shit on some photos of her that she left behind, though you'd have to narrate that one. You could also leave one where you keep the phone on while you have sex with someone new, or at least while you watch a sexy movie. Alone. Or you could leave one where you beg her to come back and tell her that you'll be whomever she needs you to be. That she can even drink again if she wants to, just as long as she comes back.

Just start dialing.

Happy Your Girlfriend's Car Is For Sale Day!